Last night I sat down and read the 4 blog posts I wrote immediately following mom's death and all the emotions came back. Some of it I had totally forgotten and other parts seemed like they just happened. You can read them here, here, here, and here.
I remember being so afraid for anything new to happen or for things to change because I wanted to be able to share it with my mom. If you go in John Brantley's room his calendar still says January 2016. I can't change it. I had the hardest time changing seasons out in their closets because it was a change. We have spruced up our house and it killed me not to be able to tell or show mom what we did.
My perspective on death has changed. Before mom died I was always scared to talk to other people about their loved ones that had passed away. I didn't know what kind of reaction I might get, so I chose not ever to discuss it. From my personal stance now, I think I was wrong. I want to talk about my mom. I want people to ask me about her, or to tell me stories they remember about my mom. I don't want her to be forgotten. Ever. She was my biggest fan, my best friend, and my person. You know your person who just makes everything better? The one you want to share things with. The person who just really really knows you. She was my person. And not to have her sucks. It does. We talked so often....3-5 times a day. Even when she felt bad I would call her. Even at night when I had the longest days with the children and I didn't think I had the energy to muster enough words for a conversation we talked. She was my person and I don't have her anymore. As a result I have started holding more stuff inside. It's not fun.
This morning my day started at 4:35 AM when BOTH boys woke up because they needed me. Since Trey is in Jackson now (the legislature is in session) I told them to crawl in my bed. By 5:00 my alarm clock was buzzing, so I showered. When I got out Annie was crying. So before 5:30 everyone was out of bed. It's hard to dry your hair while holding a 22 month old. But during my hair drying I stopped and hugged her tight. I then thought of all of my babies and it occurred to me that one day they could be sitting in my same position, hurt and crying over me being gone. Loving people and losing them is terrible.
Some of my favorite mom pictures....
This was Christmas Eve 2014. Trey and I decided we would name Annie "Sarah Suzanne Lamar". We told my family the name was in stone and when we told them for no one to make a face. Naturally, Ken made a face which caused dad and Ashley to make faces and mom to laugh!
Mom was in recovery with me after Annie was born. She was beyond thrilled for me to have a little girl. She said numerous times she wanted me to have the mother/daughter bond with a daughter like she had with me. I think Annie and I are well on our way.
Fall of 2012.... She liked to take the kids to the park to feed the geese.
Summer 2013....I remember she felt bad this trip, but wasn't yet diagnosed.
In March of 2014 we participated in a 5K specifically for pancreatic cancer. Well, mom didn't, but she cheered everyone on. I was just looking back at the blog I posted and ALL the people who came to support my mom and I cried. Look here.
Spring 2014... Mom always had to put on those glasses to read!
We took a family Pickwick trip in the spring of 2014
Bitty's second birthday
Family reunion 2014
I tagged along to chemo treatments for months.
The beach 2015. I have this picture blown up in my closet.
My mother HATED to have her picture taken, but I managed to share a few.
It's just scary to sit here and think where I was a year ago in my life, all that has changed, and what might happen in this next year. Even though mom is gone, life has continued to move on even though some days I wish it wouldn't. I miss her more than I could ever tell you. Some days I totally breakdown and cry and others I manage nicely. Mom was tough. She wasn't a crier or complainer. She handled her illness and the hand she was dealt with such grace and strength. I can only imagine how great her first year in Heaven has been.
I remind Ford so often that she loved him dearly, but she wouldn't choose to come back to this earth. I hold tight to the memories that we made with her here and all the good times we had. I don't believe she can see me. I don't believe she knows what is going on down here. But I do hope I made her proud. I hope I didn't disappoint her on too many occasions, even though I was a pain around the age of 15. I pray I was the daughter she always wanted, and I can only hope to be half the mother to my kids that she was to me. No she didn't have a fancy degree, the most beautiful jewelry or house, she didn't wear designer clothes or drive a luxury car. She didn't. She was a simple lady who stayed at home and raised her children. She played on the floor with me, cooked us meals, made every activity or class party we had. She disciplined, listened and loved us. She was my mom and I miss her with every being of my body. Selfishly I want her back, but I am happy she's already Home, praising Jesus, and experiencing eternal perfection. I will forever remember the last words she spoke to me, "I Love You." And she did. Oh she did.
I love you as much as the WHOLE world and back again. Happy one year in Heaven to you, Mom.
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