My life has changed: Part 1

Well, I guess y'all can all tell that my blogging has been lacking lately.  For the last 3-4 weeks I haven't been myself.  The Jill everyone knows wasn't there.  Then last Tuesday, January 5, 2016, my life completely changed.  Things won't be the same again.  I won't be the same again.  My life has changed.

This will be a long blog....

My best friend died.  My mother is gone. The hurt I feel inside is indescribable.  I've never been good at expressing my emotions.  Ever.  I am tough, or at least I put up a "tough girl" front.  I'm not a crier.   Crying 3-4 times a year is a good average for me.  I don't go tell people if I'm sad, my feelings are hurt, if something is really bothering me, etc.  I just don't.  The fact that I'm writing this blog about my heartache is pretty impressive.  I've thought and thought and finally decided it would be a good release of emotions for me.  

In October of 2013 my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer, which 3 months later turned into stage 4 after cancer was found on her liver.  Most people live 6-12 months after diagnosis.  Not my hero.  She fought and fought.  There were good days, trips, special occasions, holidays, birthday parties, visits, vacations, phone calls, dinners, etc.  My family grew closer through this trial.  

In October of 2015 mom started going down again.  Many many days were spent in the bed and on numerous meds to control the pain as the cancer lined her liver.  She. Never. Complained!   Nope... She never complained.  She didn't say "why me"?   She didn't cry and say it's not fair.  She tackled it with charm and grace.  

I started going to the doctor with her.  A few days before Thanksgiving I tagged along.  I snuck out of the room and talked to her doctor and nurse privately.  I asked that they do a scan that day.  They agreed and we learned the clinical trial mom was undergoing wasn't working.  We were out of medical options.  

Getting her to my house for Thanksgiving was a struggle.  She hurt.  She was tired.  She was depressed from the meds, but she came!  

 December was bad.  She was in the bed 90+% of the day.  I finally called in hospice which my parents were hesitant about, but later learned to love.  Hospice provided the care mom needed without her having to leave the house.  Thank God.  

My December prayer was that mom not die before Christmas.  I'm selfish.  I know I am.  I couldn't handle the thought of celebrating Christmas without my mom.  We still had Christmas Eve at my parents' house even though she only got up for 10 minutes.  

The Saturday after Christmas is when my whirlwind began.  I went to Olive Branch on that day, December 27th, by myself.  I laid in the bed with my mom and we talked.  I brushed her hair like I did when I was a little girl.  She would pay me a $1.00 to brush it some nights!!!   I spent 2.5 hours just loving on my momma.  That was our last quality time.  Sunday I didn't see her and Monday I spent the day in the ER due to headaches from the car wreck we had Christmas Day.  Monday night, 12/28, was the last time my mom called me on the phone.  I was taking the decorations off of the tree.  It was a quick conversation because she was hurting and wanted to go to bed.  

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I went to their house.  I was pawning my children off left and right.  Thursday she basically was out of it.  She laid in her hospital bed and slept.  

Do you know what it's like to see your mother lying in a bed all day?   She didn't want to wake up to talk, eat, drink, hug me... Nothing.  

So I laid on the bed next to her and we read. 

We read about Heaven, peace, joy, etc.  then she woke up and it wasn't good.  She was hurting, agitated, trying to pull her catheter out, upset dad wasn't in the room, screaming she was dying, telling me to help her.  It got scary.

That afternoon Dad called the hospice social worker and we decided she needed to go to a facility because we couldn't care for her anymore....

To be continued...