Wednesday, January 13, 2016

My life has changed: Part 2

Part 2


The social worker came that Thursday afternoon and it was determined that mom should be admitted to the hospital on the hospice floor.  Friday morning she went.

Friday morning I pawned my three children off again on friends, family, and sitters.  I went to the hospital and sat with mom, dad, Ken, and my aunt.  The day before I called one of my dad's sisters and asked if she could come too.  I thought having her there for support would be good.  I am so thankful she was there for dad at night when I wasn't around.

Saturday I was back at the hospital bright and early.  I could see a drastic decline in my mother.  She couldn't swallow, talking was very limited, she was in pain, and she slept 95%  of the day.  That night I allowed Trey to bring the children up there to see her.  I was very hesitant about this because I knew it could have lasting effects on Ford.  Ford came in kind of nervous, John Brantley didn't have a clue, and Annie, bless her soul, started kicking her legs with excitement when she saw her Gran.  Mom muttered "I love you" to me on Saturday and Ford say she said. "Hey sweetie" to him.  She didn't talk to me again after that.

Saturday was also the day that the doctor said mom had 24 hours to live.  Sunday and Monday I was back at the hospital with mom from about 9:00-6:00 each day.  I was constantly pushing her pump to give her morphine.  Monday the nurse suggested we call the family in.  That's a sobering thing to hear.  That day I didn't notice that much of a change in mom so I went home about 7:00 that night.  My children saw me at night when I tucked them in bed and that was about it.  I missed my husband, my children, my life.  After the kids were asleep I started thinking that I need to go back to the hospital.  Ken, my brother, was staying so I packed a bag and drove the 30 miles back to Southaven.

We had a new nurse at the time and she said she didn't think mom would die that night.  Ken and I decided mom was hanging on for some reason.  I leaned over the bed and started talking to her.  I said, "Mom you've seen the big things.  You saw us graduate from high school, and college.  You saw us get married and begin our careers.  You saw all your grandchildren.  You know that we will all be okay."  I told her I promised to take care of dad.  I promised to take care of her parents (who are both still alive).  I would help dad move to Senatobia when he was ready.  I assured her that Trey would take care of me and my children.  I told her I loved her about 50 times an hour.  I reminded her of how lucky I was to have her as a mom, that she had taught me so much, and I hoped to be half the mother she was.  I asked her to tell my Nanny hello and to please find the baby that I miscarried some years ago.  DO you know how hard it is to have these conversations with someone???????  I don't ever want to again.

Mom was responsive during these conversations  I would ask her to show me that she could hear me.  Sometimes a tear would come to the corner of her eye or she might slightly move her head.  This is my mom people.  My mom who always took care of me.  I am holding her as she was dying.  I am telling her it's okay to go to Heaven and be with Jesus.  I wanted her to go and be healed, but at the same time I was lying because I wanted my mom!

A little after 11:00 I decided to go home.  I probably got to sleep about 1:00 AM.  At 5:15 my phone buzzed with a text.  It was Ken who had stayed the night with mom.  He said mom was in a lot of pain and he told the nurse to give her a specific kind of medication we were warned could end up killing her faster.  I panicked and told him to let me talk to her.  I was crying and telling her I loved her, was proud of her, she was my hero, etc.  I could hear her making noises through the phone.  I got dressed and pawned my kids off again.

Tuesday was different.  I could tell.  From 8:45 (when I got there) -10:30 mom was very alert and hurting.  She couldn't get comfortable.  I pulled up Youtube and played two songs we had listened to over and over... "Wonderful Merciful Savior" by Selah and "Soon" by Brooke Fraser.  (I recommend you listen to those).  At 10:30 mom's pump and continuous flow of morphine were double and she was given the meds for anxiety.  After that mom was pretty much unconscious.  

My cousin was texting me as she drove from Jackson with my grandmother, uncle, and other cousin.  I sent her pictures of mom's hands that were turning purple.  

She knew that we didn't have long.  I laid in the bed with mom most of the morning.  About 12:23 the nurse came in to change mom's morphine bottle, about 12:25 my grandmother and uncle arrived.  Grandmother kissed mom and told her that she was there.  I asked the nurse to check mom's vitals.  My cousins came in the room from parking the car, dad was hugging them, and Ken had stepped out of the room.  Her temp was 98.1 and she told me her blood pressure wouldn't register.  I was texting a friend who said, "soon soon".  I grabbed mom's hand and the nurse went to take her vitals again.  About that time mom's eyes popped open and she stopped breathing.  It was 12:28.

To be continued...

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