My life has changed: Part 3

Part 3....

It was 12:28.  I was sitting in a chair on Mom's left side holding her hand.  Her eyes, which had been open by slits only for two days, opened wider.  I could tell she wasn't breathing.  I immediately asked the nurse, or anyone that was listening, "Did she just die?"   The nurse was as shocked as I was and just shook her head yes.  Dad and Ken immediately rushed to the bed.  We were all crying and saying we loved her.  Mom did 2-3 more breaths and she was gone.  

My mother, my best friend for over 33 years, the one I called to tell everything to was gone.  I immediately felt hollow inside, and I still do.  I kept squeezing her hand and rubbing my cheek with it.  Shocked isn't even the word.  Call me dumb, but even though I knew my mom was sick and dying, I never expected her to leave me.  I wanted to be just like my mom.  I wanted to have old parents who started doing ridiculous stuff and call my kids to tell them about it.  (Mom called me to tell me about things her parents would do in their old age).  

I sat and held mom's hand for another 50 minutes.  I couldn't get up.  I was scared to let her hand go.  Mom was gone.  The mom I knew and loved was not lying in that hospital bed.  That was just a shell.  

We sat in the room for two more hours waiting on a doctor.  After she left a nurse came in to begin prep work on mom's eyes.  I am a strong strong believer in organ donation.  Since mom was eaten up with cancer in various organs, all we could donate were the corneas of her eyes.  

I got into my car alone around 2:30 and headed south.  I felt numb and weightless.  Dad and Ken followed behind me as we headed to the funeral home to make decisions.   Picking out a casket will make you sick to your stomach.  Knowing your mom was alive 3 hours ago and now she's gone is heart wrenching.  

A bit later Trey and I headed home to tell Ford.  He immediately greeted me at the door inquiring about his Gran.  I sank to my knees in the middle of the kitchen and said she's all better Ford.  He smiled so big, but then I had to tell him she was in Heaven.  We sat in the floor and he cried.  It hurts on a deeper level to see your babies hurting.  He told me his insides hurt.  I totally understood.  

The next day I went to Olive Branch to pick out something for my mother to be buried in.  Sobering.  Very sobering.  I hated being in the house.  I came home to get ready for the visitation.  My sweet friends sent me a happy to let me know they cared. 

That night, Wednesday, was my mother's visitation.  It was very hard for me to enter the room.  I saw the casket from the entrance to the room but couldn't see her.  I immediately veered right to breathe.  I was scared to death.  There really are no words for seeing your loved one in a coffin. Finally I got the courage up.  I felt my eyes get hot with tears.  It was my mom but it wasn't.  My mom was/is in Heaven.  This was some extremely thin imposter.  

At 5:00 folks started coming in.  I didn't cry.  I'm tough, remember.  I don't put my emotions on display.  I hugged folks, smiled, and thanked them for coming.   I had one of my dear friends drive 4 hours from Nashville to hug me and turn right around and go home.  Several more drove 2 hours from Jackson.  These girls had worked all day, left their families, driven long distances, and headed back home.  It warmed my heart.  

The entire two hours was a blur.  It wasn't real.  I felt like I was in a funk.

We went home.  I didn't sleep much that  night.  I was up again the next morning to get ready to go to my mother's funeral.  The church provided us with a meal prior to the service.  Lots of family and friends gathered to eat before the 1:00 funeral.  After the meal we went into the sanctuary to see mom again, greet the people who came to pay their respects, and to say our goodbyes.

To be continued.....