Real Pain

    Tonight there are no pictures.  There are no funny jokes or sarcastic Jill comments.  Tonight’s blog is real and raw.  I had no intentions of blogging tonight.  I fed, bathed, and put the children to bed ridiculously early so I could watch "The Bachelor" and go to bed early myself.  After my brain-killing show ended, I went into my closet to find something to wear to school tomorrow.  I looked around trying to find a big shirt to go with my leggings and rain boots since it’s going to rain here the next 40 days and 40 nights.  I have a small section in my closet set aside for a few clothing items I took from my mother’s wardrobe.  None of the clothes are anything I would have ever bought for myself, but I knew my dad would give them all away so I salvaged several.

   I grabbed a green sweater and held it close to my face desperately trying to find a small scent that could possibly remain of my mother.  Even though she’s been gone over three years there are times I think I can still smell her.  If I do by chance get a small whiff of her I’ll hold my breath until it hurts, just trying to hang onto some familiarity.  This green sweater did offer the smell of mom, and I also found one of her hairs near the collar.  A piece of her!!!!!!  I just really can’t even describe the excitement and utter pain I felt all at once.  One hair.  One smell.  Lots of pain.

    I had no intentions to cry tonight.  I had no intentions to blog tonight.  I’m not blogging so others can read my story, sense my hurt, or feel sorry for me.  I am simply blogging because this is the only outlet I like.  I’m not going to call anyone and cry to them.  I don’t do that.

    I miss my mom.  It sucks that she’s not here.  It’s terrible that she can’t see her grandchildren grow up and experience life and milestones with them.  It’s not fair that my mom was taken for me after just 33 years.  I don’t like that I have to go about life with no mom.  She was my person.  She always made me feel better just hearing her voice.  She was sweet, kind, patient, loving, caring, gentle, and the best.  There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. 

    Moms are special.  They are one of a kind.  I don’t know of a love you’ll ever get like the love your mother gives you.  I don’t have that anymore.  Ohhhh and it hurts.  It hurts like a deep, dark, terrible hurt.  I’ll never have my mother’s love on this Earth again.  To all who still have a mom, love them for me since I can’t love on mine.  Cherish every moment with your mom, because you never know when that time is up.