My thoughts on mom 2 months later

Tomorrow will be 2 months since mom died.  In some ways it seems like I haven't talked to her in years.  Other parts of me can't believe she's been gone 8.5 weeks.  What in the world have I been doing?   It all seems like a foggy blur.  My children just completed their third 9 weeks of school, and I'm not sure I was even awake for it.

I was thinking last night about how badly I missed her, and I wondered what I would say if I was given just 5 minutes with her. I would probably hold onto her the entire time hugging and kissing her.  I would tell her how I've missed her, how much I love her, how wonderful and special she is to me, and I'm so glad she's my momma.  

I wouldn't waste my 5 minutes on all that's been going on or the things I've thought about, I'd stick to the I love you stuff.  

But there has been so much that's happened in the last two months that she's missed.  For starters, Annie is walking.  And the little diva has developed quite the spunky attitude, and she squeals.  I would tell mom that tooth Ford lost (tooooo early) on December 21 still hasn't grown back in.  She would need to know that Bitty can write his entire name now.  I would tell mom I bought two new rugs and a few other things for the house, I got a manicure and pedicure for the first time in who knows how long a few weeks back, and I'm surviving while Trey is in Jackson.  

I would tell mom that dad and I have gotten a lot closer, and we talked on the phone 3-5 times a day.  I'd tell her how much Annie loves him and all the attention she gives him.  She'd need to know that he stays here some every week while Trey is gone and he's a good helper.  I would love to tell her that I put a car seat in his car so he can help me run carpool with these babies.  Mom would know that he came to a lot of Ford's basketball games, and he's going to come to baseball too.  

I would tell her that her robe still smells like her.  I often times bury my head in her robe so I can smell my mom.  I'm so scared that the day will come when I can no longer find her scent on there.  

I would show her pictures and videos from Annie's first birthday party.  Ohhhh how I wished she could have been there. I also don't believe she saw the party.  People said, "Oh she knows."   "She saw Annie's special day."   I'm 99% sure that's a bunch of mess.  2 Corinthians 5 says to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.  Mom doesn't see us.  She doesn't.  I don't like when people say that out of ignorance trying to make me feel better.  

I would want her to know how badly dad misses her, that it hurts my heart to see him so lonely.  I would tell her the boys spent the night with him last night and he said, "I sure do like having people in the house with me."

I would tell mom that I've only gone to her house three times.  Last week when I went it was as if she still lived there.  The Christmas card basket was on the counter just like she left it.  Mom's purse and her slippers were by the bed.  The thermometer she had been checking her temperature was resting on a book on her bedside table.  A royal blue sweater was draped over the laundry basket as if she planned to hand wash it.  I would tell her how hysterical it was when I asked Dad where the bed skirt was, and he didn't even know what one was.  I found it tucked in between the mattress and box springs.  

I would ask her to tell me about Heaven.  I know from reading Revelation that it's beautiful, but I want to know what she does all day.  What do people look like in Heaven???  I don't think they look like they did on Earth because all are made perfect up there.

I really feel numb to the pain.  I've always been one to try to protect myself from getting hurt.  Apparently, some things never change and I'm still playing that game.  But the truth is, it does hurt.  The hurt won't go away.  People shouldn't assume that because time has passed that we are okay.  I won't ever be okay.  I'm 33 years old and my mom is gone.  I won't be able to share anymore Earthly memories with her.  There is no one that can replace my mom.  The void is there.  There's emptiness that won't ever be filled by another person.... and it is terrible.

Even though cancer is terrible and I literally cringe with every being of my body when I hear that someone else has the wicked disease, I am glad that I had time to prepare for mom to die.  She didn't die suddenly in a wreck or from a heart attack.  I was able to make special memories with her.  I wish I wouldn't have waited to take so many pictures of her (she hated having her picture taken).  I wish I wouldn't have been so scared to talk about dying with her.  I know she wasn't scared, but we never discussed it.

I can look at just about anything in my house and I can think of mom in some way, fashion, or form.  I am forever thankful for a mom who loved me despite my many flaws.  We had a wonderful relationship and I plan to never let those memories fade!