Passed crazy at this point

Tomorrow life returns to normal.  Normal being, the kids GO BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!!  There is only so much a momma can do to entertain her kids in Mayberry before everyone is half crazy.  I am passed half...I'm all the way there.  That's why I am hiding in the laundry room blogging.   Blogging is my go-to when I need to be alone.

My children, especially John Brantley, love art.  We do lots of coloring and creating at The Lamar Household.  On this particular day, I taped 15 sheets of copy paper together so he could draw a barn.

 I sat down to pay bills one morning with my personal assistant, Annie, beside me.  I was busy giving all of my money to Comcast, Entergy, Direct TV, etc., that I wasn't paying attention to Annie who was deep into the body art!!!!

 Body art results in baths.  Baths sometimes mean bathtub markers, which means MORE clean up for me.  Lord help me....SCHOOL where are you?????

 Despite the smiles, giggles, and wildness, Annie felt pretty lousy last week while she battled the flu, strep, and an ear infection.  A nap in my lap made her feel better.

 Did you know coloring with chalk is sooooooooo messy?  Well, it is.  Don't try this at home.

 Look at his hands.... this would be a river and mountains.  We found a picture on my phone for him to copy.

 Sick baby....

 New day.... more chalk art.

 It's been frigid cold outside.  I hate cold weather.  I feel safer from snakes, but that's about it.  We curled up to watch some Paw Patrol before bed.

 The lake behind our house stayed frozen for several days, so we threw golf balls out there and watched them roll.

 Trey is determined that Ford is going to kill a buck.  He keeps waking the poor child up to go hunting.  No luck thus far....

 January 5th was the two year anniversary of my mom going to Heaven.  We took her some new flowers.

 That night we went to Germantown to be with Ken's crew and dad.  Bitty made this sweet picture on the way up there.  Breaks my heart....

 Saturday Trey took Ford on his first duck hunting trip...

 John White and Ford

 Jason, John, Ford, and Trey

 Then they came back for Ford's first Upward game.  His team won 24-20.  Ford scored 20 points.

 And Trey and Ford headed back to the woods so the littles and I did some painting.  Another bad idea on my part.

 That night we went to the farm to eat....

 And Sunday they went hunting AGAIN!

 It was cold yesterday so I pulled this gem out of a bag.  Literally.  It was my sweat pants from about 31 years ago when I took dancing.

 She got some make-up from Bobba for Christmas.  She said she felt pretty!

 New look for winter 2018!

 Bitty requests the biggest stuffed animal whenever Trey and I go on trips.  Luckily, Santa found him a big one.  He sleeps with that thing at night.

In other news.....

John Brantley- I finally convinced him at 5.5 years old that he doesn't need to sleep in a diaper.  He quit about 3 weeks ago.

Annie-  She's POTTY TRAINED!!!!!!!!!  This has been the case for 3 weeks.  She still sleeps in a diaper at night, but she's 100% panties in the day.

Ford-  He killed his first duck this weekend and is currently over the fact that I've had him practicing subtraction all of Christmas break.

Trey-  He is in full swing of year #7 in the legislature. 

My thoughts two years later....

As I sit down a bit after noon to write this I hear my children laughing and playing in the other room.  Two years ago at this same time I heard the noise of hospital machines and the footsteps of nurses in the hall as I sat and held my dying mother’s hand.  So much has changed in the last two years, yet so much seems the same.  The first leg of the journey without mom was scary, hard, and at times unbearable.  Hitting milestones, anniversaries, and holidays without her were difficult.  Sometimes it was just the regular, ordinary days, which proved to be the worst.  I needed to call her so many times to tell her the latest gossip I heard, let her know I had found a steal of a deal while shopping (which only she would appreciate), ask her about a recipe she cooked, let her know something the kids had done, etc.  Not being able to do that was tough.  Real tough.  Trying to express this to people who haven’t lost their mom is, well, impossible.  Unless you’ve lived it, you don’t understand it.

Then the days turned into weeks, which turned into months, and now here we are at years.  It’s now been two years since I’ve had my mother.  Why did she have to die when I was 33?  Why did God decide her work here on Earth was done?  Did he really think I would be okay without her?  I have often wondered why my Grandfather lived to be 92 years old, yet my mother died at 62.  I think about all the life I have left to live here without her.  When all these thoughts, questions, situations, circumstances, play in my head I try to turn them off.  I find it easier just not to think about it or her sometimes.  Then I feel guilty.  I feel guilty because I need to think about her.  I wonder if I have truly given myself the time and freedom to grieve like you should.  I wonder if it’s normal to sit in my closet, hug her robe, and cry for no apparent reason.  I just wonder.

Has life gotten easier?  Yes.  I’d say it has.  Time helps.  You adjust.  You cope.  You learn a new normal.  It might not always be fun, or what you would likely choose, but you move on.  God gives you people at the right time and on the right days to help you through those tough times.  He gives me little signs that make me think of mom.  If I see rabbits, I think of her.  She loved rabbits.  Sometimes when I am deep in a thought of her I will see a redbird outside and wonder if that’s my hello from God saying he loves me.  I think the crosses planes/rockets make in the sky are a smile down from Heaven.

There is no part of me that thinks my mom can see me.  I don’t think she knows what’s going on down here.  Why would she be able to?  The Bible never says those in Heaven can see us.  I think that would cause them pain, and we all know there’s no pain in Heaven.  I wonder what people in Heaven remember.  You'd think if she knew we weren't there that would make her sad.  And again, we know there's no sadness in Heaven.  I do know she loved me.  I do know she was proud of me.  I have never wondered those things.  

Two years later I have thought, do I have any regrets?  Two years ago I would have said, no.  Today I say, yes.  I regret not spending more time with her when she was sick.  I spent a lot, but always felt bad for leaving my kids or asking people to keep them.  I regret not forcing her to take more pictures all of her life even though she hated a picture.  I regret not talking about death with her.  I refused to let her think I was giving up on her.  But we are all going to die some day.  I should be talking to everyone about death.  I don't want other people I love to die and me regret not doing or saying something to them.  There were nights after she was diagnosed with cancer that I would be completely shot and exhausted from playing mom all day.  I literally wanted to collapse on my bed as soon as the children were asleep.  So many nights I forced myself to call her just to say "I love you" and "Goodnight".  I am so glad I did.  No one can ever hear "I love you" too many times.

So, what's changed in two years:  At first I was scared of change.  Change meant there were things mom wouldn't know about.  I didn't want her to miss anything.   I feel like I had to grow up a lot after losing my mom.  I felt like I had to take over her role on my side of the family.  There were so many things she and I would talk about and now I don't have my person anymore.  So those things I would have told her don't get told.  I bottle them up.  I don't cry a lot.  I think about her everyday.  I miss her everyday.  Seeing my children grow and change makes me sad that she's missing it.  It makes me sad that they don't have her around.  She loved being a mom and grandmother.  Besides my dad, that was her world.  She was that mom who was at every event, always was willing to help, had a smile and hug that could make anything better.  She was a lady.  She didn't use foul language.  She never left the house without make-up and jewelry on.  I never saw her in a pair of bluejeans.  She was old fashioned, yet she wasn't.  She was my mom.  My person.

I guess I got off topic with change.  Well, the biggest change that has happened is my dad remarrying.  I told Trey before my mom died that dad would remarry.  I didn't know who it would be, but I knew he didn't need to be alone.  I struggled with his loneliness.  I hurt seeing him hurt.  God was far ahead of all of us.  He knew dad would need another mate and slid Patty in at just the right time.  I find so much comfort in the fact that my mother knew and loved Patty.  I know without a shadow of a doubt, that she wanted my dad to be happy.  Our family does have happiness.  Mom would never ever want us to lose our joy.  Her illness and death has brought us closer.  It has made me appreciate the little stuff more.  You can't take for granted who you have in your life.  We aren't promised tomorrow.

So, as I sit her today, reflecting on the last two years all I can do is thank God for the strength to move on without my person.  Thank him for the comfort during all my hurt and tears.  Thank him for my strong family support, and a husband who had to deal with me on some bad days.  Thank God for kids who brought smiles to my face on days where I didn't want to smile.  Thank him for friends and family who sometimes just know when you need something.  And lastly, thank God for Patty who has filled a void in my family in so many ways: as a wife to my dad, a mom and friend to me, and a grandmother to my children.

Mom and I had a little saying so in close I will say" "I love you as much as the whole world and back again!"

Sparks flew

As I sit here and do my final blog of 2017, I can't help but think of how busy this year has been, let alone this month.  No day has been dull, there have been wild and crazy days that I wouldn't want to relive, and amazingly awesome ones where I wish I had a do over.  I can't say I am sad to see 2017 go, rather I will look forward to what's yet to come.   

Here's a recap of what's happened since Santa showed up...

Wednesday Annie and I visited the ENT because her ear was bothering her again.

 No infection....on this day.

 Later that day when I was helping the boys with their lessons (as my Grandmother calls homework), Annie got fingernail polish she received for Christmas and painted her face!

 Bitty hollered because his stomach hurt.  I am wondering if he's lactose intolerant.  He had eaten ice cream at Puddin's and then the pains began.

See that cord?  It's my vacuum which I use everyday.  I might be OCD!

 My kids ALL asked for an Ipad for Christmas.  I got them a Lite Brite instead.  I mean what the heck?  They are 2, 5, and 8.  I'm 35 and I don't have an Ipad.  Let's get real.  I wish all parents would rally together and ban buying their kids electronics until they become teens.

 Who needs an Ipad when you can have a Bop It!!!

 Or a Rubix cube!!!   Trey is determined that Ford will kill a buck.  He's hauled the boys hunting lots lately.

 And they play deer hunting at home.  Ford was the dead deer!

Bitty asked me to take a picture of his pretzel creation.... and the sweet child smiled normally!

 Yesterday.......ohhhh yesterday!!!  I left Trey alone with the kids for a hot minute and ran to Wal-Mart.  Before I even got to the store he called in a panic to see if I was on the way home.  Apparently, Annie came outside with Trey and the boys and our dog, Otis, jumped on her all the while trying to eat the bow out of her hair.  During the bow attack, he knocked her down which made her cry.  Trey started yelling at Otis and chasing him.  My 37 year old husband decided he'd dive and tackle the dog.  The dog won, and wasn't caught.  Trey landed on his right pinky and broke it!

Then at 12:00 AM Annie came in my room.  I reached down to pick her up, and she was HOT!  This morning she had 102.3.  We went to the doctor and she has: the flu, strep, and an ear infection.

She is pitiful.  At night she's worse.  Apparently Tamiflu tastes like sewer water.  She refuses to take it!!!!!!!!

 It really is pitiful.  I believe in bribery too, and that didn't work!

Puddin and Pops gave Ford some Legos for Christmas, which I insist he leave at their house.  He manages to mix them up here and lose pieces.

I think he might be an engineer!

Tonight Puddin and Pops took the boys to the Ole Miss basketball game.  Ford started feeling bad....I can't do two sick kids at once!!!!!!!

FIFTEEN years ago on this very night a handsome young lad from Tate County happened into the same establishment I was frequenting and sparks flew........the rest is history!

Goodbye 2017...Thank you for the memories.  May 2018 be even better!