We did it for mom

I'm going to say it... I hate to run, walk, or exercise.... Period!   Gasp...I know!!!  I get a lot of "walking" in daily as I scurry around during my momma duties.  I always get over 10,000 steps on my Fitbit.  It's not like I sit on my rear all day.  I don't.  Lazy people send me into orbit.  I'm busy... Just not an "exercise" person. With that being said, on Saturday I participated in a neighborhood 5k to raise funds for pool furniture.  My body still hates me for that 3.1 mile run/walk stunt I pulled.  If that weren't enough torture to the ole physique, Sunday I did it again.  

Sunday, Ford and I headed to Memphis for the annual Pancreatic Cancer 5k run/walk.  I'm a sissy.  I did the one mile walk.  It was more of a hobble since my shins were still angry at me from the day before.  I did this one with a smile.  

Did you know:

• An estimated 53,070 Americans will be diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in the U.S., and over 41,780 will die from the disease. 


• Pancreatic cancer is one of the few cancers for which survival has not improved substantially over nearly 40 years. 


• Pancreatic cancer is the 3rd leading cause of cancer-related death in the United States.


• Pancreatic cancer has the highest mortality rate of all major cancers. 94% of pancreatic cancer patients will die within five years of diagnosis – only 8% will survive more than five years. 74% of patients die within the first year of diagnosis.


• The average life expectancy after diagnosis with metastatic disease is just three to six months.


• Few risk factors for developing pancreatic cancer are defined. Family history of the disease, smoking, age, and diabetes are risk factors.


• Pancreatic cancer may cause only vague symptoms that could indicate many different conditions within the abdomen or gastrointestinal tract. Symptoms include pain (usually abdominal or back pain), weight loss, jaundice (yellowing of the skin and eyes), loss of appetite, nausea, changes in stool, and diabetes.


• Treatment options for pancreatic cancer are limited. Surgical removal of the tumor is possible in less than 20% of patients diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Chemotherapy or chemotherapy together with radiation is typically offered to patients whose tumors cannot be removed surgically. 


• Pancreatic cancer is a leading cause of cancer death largely because there are no detection tools to diagnose the disease in its early stages when surgical removal of the tumor is still possible.

It's a nasty nasty disease y'all.  By the time doctors can determine that an individual has pancreatic cancer it's so far developed that you're toast.  That's why I'm taking the special blood test every year that detects it before symptoms arise.

Dad, Ken, his three kids, my friend, Jessica, two of Ken's friends- Jeana and Jordan, and Ford and me attended the race in honor of mom.

Ken won second in his age group and 12th overall.  Jordan won first place overall.  And Jeana won first place in her age group.  They did it for mom!!!!

There's no doubt y'all can't tell I thought the absolute world of my mom.  Ohhh I did.  She was a rare jewel.  Slow to anger and full of love.  She is missed badly and will forever be remembered and loved.

New posts below...

3 Months Gone

It's been 3 months (13 weeks) today. How is it even possible???   What have I been doing?   How have I managed not to see or hear from my mom? Why do I have to continue on and her not know what's happening with my family and me?

Going to my parents' house is still so, oh I don't even know a word for it, sobering...gut wrenching...lonely....you get my drift.   Things are just how they were when mom lived there.  Her slippers are still out.  I wear them when I visit.  Dad has dusted and moved the trinkets, which I turn like mom would want them.   Her fancy bathroom magnifying mirror still sits on the counter.  She used that thing daily to pluck her eyebrows.  She bought me one too.  

The house screams, "MOM!!!!"  I found a random pillow lying on the guest bed at their house.  I asked dad if he knew where it went (assuming a grandchild had moved it).  He didn't know.  I told him and moved it where it belonged.  Mom ran that house.  He doesn't know where stuff is.  The plants looked sickly.  I told him plants need light and he had to open the blinds.  He has sat in that house with the blinds closed for three months now.  That's depressing. 

I literally think about my mom all the time.  She consumes my thoughts.  All. The.  Time.  I look up in the sky and wonder.  What does she look like now?   What does she do all day?   I assume worship God!!!   Does she remember being on Earth?   I have such a hard time with that.  If she remembered she should know we aren't there.  Then she should miss us.  Missing us would make her sad, right?   But you're not sad in Heaven.  Does she see other people she knew from Earth in Heaven?   Did she find my baby I miscarried in February 2008?   I asked her to please find that baby when she got there and take care of him/her until I came.  Even though I didn't have that child but a short time, I still love him/her.  I still think about that child.   I ask God to tell mom hello for me and hug her.  

It's hard.  So hard.  And unless you've lost your mom you don't know.   It really makes me mad when someone says, "I know it's hard"...if they still have their mom.  They DO NOT know.  Like I don't know what it's like to lose a dad because I've still got mine.  

That nightgown still smells like her.  Thank God it still smells like her.  I have it in a wad and open it up everyday to smell it.  I bury my face in it and hold her scent in my nose until I'm desperate for a breath.  I'm terrified when the day comes that I can't smell her anymore.  

I replay conversations and instances in my head all the time that involve her.  I wonder how I would have played things out differently if I could have seen the future.  For instance mom died at about 12:28 on Tuesday, January 5.  Around 11:00 dad and I walked down to the cafeteria to eat and were gone about 45 minutes.  I wouldn't have left if I would have known I only had minutes with her when i returned. 

  I feel guilty thinking back towards the end of her time at home.  I would come visit, bring food she wouldn't eat, and clean for them.  I'd lie in the bed hold her hand, brush her hair, and we'd talk. Usually I'd talk and she'd listen when she felt so terrible.  On several occasions she said, "I wish you could just stay here with me."   Ohhhh why didn't I stay????   I wish I would have.  Trey could have managed the kids.  I thought I had to go home.  I didn't.   I am sitting in this chair squalling like a baby.   Will this hurt, empty, numb feeling ever go away?   

I hear that time helps.  I guess it takes a long time.  Someone said the first year is so hard. A year of firsts without them.  I dread things to come.  Mother's Day... I might hide under a rock... But I won't because I'm a mother.  Their anniversary, my birthday, our big beach vacation.  All that will be tough.  Mom has already missed two grandchildren's birthdays and dad's.   I feel like it's not fair that I have to do life without her.  It's not. 

I look so strong on the outside.  I am.  I'm tough.  You won't see me crying. I do that alone.  I don't cry when I go to the cemetery. I go often.  Bitty asks to go a lot.  Ford cries several times a week.  It's usually at night when he's tired.  One night he told me he wanted pancreatic cancer so he'd die and could go see Gran.  That'll tear you up, people.

  Adjusting to our new normal without someone who was such a huge part of our life is tough.  It's scary... Life that is.  Life is fragile, y'all.  We aren't promised tomorrow.  Death doesn't discriminate.  We've got to love everyone like its our last day.  I was fortunate enough to have time to prepare for my mother's death.  I told her everything I wanted to tell her.  She didn't die and me have any regrets.  We aren't always that lucky.  Love deep.  Love big.  Never go to bed mad.  Pray.  Be kind to others.  Forgive.  And most importantly, KNOW the Lord.  

I love outside, when the weather is according to my internal body thermostat.  That means it needs to be in the 70's or 80's.  Last week we had some nice weather.  After the boys were home from school I said we were headed outside until supper time.  Some good fresh air is so important.  I'm not going to let my kids sit inside, watch tv, play videos games, and snack all day.  I didn't grow up that way, and they won't either.  I mean who doesn't like to play in the dirt and mud?!?!?

Bitty is super serious about all activities he does.  He is passionate about things and playing in the mud is one of them.

Normally, Ford would rather be shooting hoops, but on this particular day he got down and dirty too.  They were making a goldfish pond.

Even sister helped.

I had to wash her tights twice in bleach, once they soaked in bleach, and two regular washes before they were white again.

In all prissiness, she played from the sidelines.  There was no getting in the yard!

And one crash and some dirt on the face later we were still going strong.

I just smiled and smiled watching this...

She probably licked it too!

Maybe next time I'll dig too!!!

New blog below....

Ford report card too

And not to be outdone by Bitty, Ford has his third 9 weeks report card too.  I'm so proud of both of my boys!!!

All tardies are compliments of their Daddy.  If they are late on my watch it's because there's been a tragedy!

I'm pretty sure I never shared their school pictures.  Their names are supposed to be in the bottom corner.  Ford's says "Lamar"... surprised it doesn't say Jefferson and Bitty's is just "John"  Oh well. 

Out of my comfort zone

This weather.... Ohhh this weather.  Yesterday it was 82 and today it's 52.  I need some consistency here.  Prissy is outgrowing all of her winter clothes and its an issue.  I pulled this 24 month romper out of her closet since the coldness won't move on its way.  

Yard work.  I love to see a man doing yard work and taking pride in their lawn.  Makes me proud.  My boys are hard workers.  They like a job and will do it really well if they get paid.  Now, I'm not saying a large lump sum of cash.... they'll be happy with $0.50.  So we hooked up the trailer to the 4 wheeler and got the wheelbarrow and picked up leaves from the flower bed.

Good thing we only have a kiddie sized wheelbarrow!

Ford is creative.  He is always making stuff.  The other day he made himself a few medals.

Puddin and Annie.  I'm pretty certain that Annie knows how to work her Puh to get whatever she wants.

Ohhh y'all... my boys LOVE to make forts/tents/secret hideouts, etc.  This would be my guest room closet complete with every pillow, towel, sheet, and blanket in my house.  Ohh ohh ohh, and the cushions from the couch upstairs too.  Bitty slept in the closet by himself Monday night.  Ford chickened out!

Little man syndrome... he needed a serving fork to eat with!

Annie got dirty at lunch and had to get rid of her shirt.  She wasn't about to put down her V8 banana strawberry juice.  I rarely give her juice so she is thrilled when I do.

I haven't cooked much since Annie was born and I really don't cook much since Trey is gone.  The other night I decided to make chicken and rice in the crockpot.  That idea was soon over when I broke the bowl in my sink.  Cinnamon Toast Crunch it was!

It's a beautiful thing when he naps.

This is the look, minus the sound, that we get when Annie doesn't get her way.

Supper is around 5:30, immediately followed by baths, and by 6:30 we have settled in my bed for some cartoons before time to go to sleep.  Paw Patrol all around!

Yes, I could eat her up.

Him too.  Ohhh he rarely acts normal and civilized for a picture, but he decided to today.  Two points for The Bit!

This little red car was Ford's first birthday present from Trey and me.  It's gone many a mile with three babies now.

This sweet baby will be 7 years old in 29 days.  We ask Suri (on my phone) everyday how many days it is until May 1.  He's excited.  I'm sad.

Still pushing...

Bitty is working hard in that pumpkin shirt we got on sale last week at Belk.

They sleep just lovely in the bed with me during the week.  Notice I didn't say I sleep so lovely.

On the way home from BoomPa's house.

She didn't even consider napping.

This morning I told God to use me however he saw fit today.  I didn't know what that would entail throughout my day, but I thought it and meant it.  So, off Annie and I go to Wal-Mart.  As I am putting my stuff on the counter to pay God told me to ask the cashier how I could pray for her.  That is OUT of my comfort zone/level... whatever you want to call it.  I ignored the thought.  I pretended that God didn't keep telling me to ask her.  I knew I had to obey God... after all, I didn't want to end of like Jonah for disobeying and not going to Nineveh.  We all know what happened to him, he was swallowed up by a big fish for 3 long, stinky days.  So as I grabbed my last bag I said, "Is there anything I can pray for you about today?"  I'm pretty sure she was just as shocked as I was that it even came out of my mouth.  She said, "Huh?"  I repeated.   She smiled real big and said, "Yes.  Please just pray for me and my family, and my name is ------."  I introduced myself.  We smiled and I said goodbye.  And will you know that even though that was out of my comfort zone, I didn't die and I plan to do it again... A LOT!